Blossoms in Autumn: I.

I.

I.

Ko se je po travnikih otava kosila — katerega leta je to bilo, nima za vas, častite gospe, nikakega pomena — sem vzel v roko pratiko ter izračunal, da dosežem točno po štirinajstih dneh osemintrideseto leto svojega, brezpomembnega življenja.

When the aftermath grass was being mown in the meadows—which year it was is of no importance to you, ladies— I took up my almanac and calculated that in exactly fourteen days I would reach the thirty-eighth year of my insignificant life.

Teh osemintrideset let mi je tičalo neprijetno v kosteh: spodaj se mi je pričenjalo telo že nekako nesimetrično zaokrožati, zgoraj ob sencih pa je že nekaj sivelo, kakor po zimi, če leži ivje na vejevju.

Those thirty-eight years sat unpleasantly in my bones: below, my body was beginning to grow somewhat asymmetrically rounded, while above, at my temples, some grey was already showing, like hoarfrost lying on the branches after winter.

Sicer pa se mi je dobro godilo.

Otherwise, I was doing well.

Nekaj let že nisem poznal nikakih skrbi, kakor so me svoj čas davile na visoki šoli, in v pravdah sem koval če že ne rumenjakov, vsaj srebrnjake, tako da sta se napolnila dan za dnevom lonec in skleda.

For several years I had known none of the worries that had once tormented me at university, and in my legal cases I was earning, if not gold coins, at least silver ones, so that pot and bowl were filled day after day.

Vzlic temu pa me je tistega dne, ko sem ob roki pratike določil svojo starost, zavest, da se staram, prav potlačila in ravnotako me je potlačilo prepričanje, da mi na svetu ne ostaja drugega, nego tisto, kar imenuje Latinec: fructus consumere.

Nevertheless, that day, when I calculated my age with the help of my almanac, the awareness that I was growing old weighed heavily upon me. Equally depressing was the conviction that nothing remained for me in this world but what the Latin calls: to enjoy the fruits of one's labour.

Stroj si, — tako sem govoril sam sebi — ki bo tekel, dokler so posamezni deli količkaj v redu.

You are a machine, I told myself, one that will keep running as long as its individual parts remain reasonably sound.

Potem pa tuintam kaj odneha, oči ti pokvari kratkovidnost, lasje ti izpadejo in po členkih se ti nabere apno, da teče stroj le še s stokanjem in ječanjem.

But then, here and there, something gives way; your eyesight is ruined by short-sightedness, your hair falls out, and lime deposits accumulate in your joints, until the machine runs only with groans and creaks.

Pri koncu pa vse skupaj pade, in kakor staro šaro te odneso v stran!

And at the end, the whole thing collapses, and they carry you off like a piece of old junk!

Če se pa ob najzadnjem koncu vprašaš, je-li tvoje življenje imelo kaj višjega pomena ali namena, ne moreš drugega odgovoriti, nego: „Ni ga imelo!“

And if, at the very end, you ask yourself whether your life had any higher meaning or purpose, you can give no other answer than: "It had none!"

Tako sem govoril sam sebi, in prav živo sem čutil, kako me je potrlo teh osemintrideset let, katere skoraj dopolnim.

That is what I told myself, and I felt acutely how deeply those thirty-eight years, which I was about to complete, had weighed me down.

Kje naj dobim sočutno dušo, da izlijetn vanjo svojo otožnost?

Where could I find a sympathetic soul into which I might pour out my melancholy?

Gnalo me je iz sobe.

I felt driven out of my room.

Ko stopim na ulico, je bil prvi človek, ki sem ga ugledal, trgovec Bon, tvoj sedanji mož, gospa Marica.

When I stepped into the street, the first person I saw was the merchant Bon, your present husband, Mrs Marica.

Ali takrat ti še ni bil tako podložen, kot ti je dandanes, pač pa smo vedeli, da že šteje stopinje za teboj in da ne odide svoji zakonski usodi.

But in those days he was not yet so devoted to you as he is nowadays; nevertheless, we knew that he was already following in your footsteps and would not escape his matrimonial destiny.

Ker se je sam ženil, je bil tiste dni pravi agent za ženitve, tako da sem takoj vedel, kake besede mi bo spregovorila ta revna duša.

Since he himself was getting married, he was something of a marriage agent in those days, so I knew at once what words this poor soul would address to me.

„Kam pa?

"Where are you off to?

Kam pa?

Where are you off to?

“ je povpraševal. Odgovoril sem čemerno: „Sam ne vem kam!“

" he asked. I answered gloomily: "I don't know where myself!"

„No, vidiš, ali ti naj do sodnjega dne trobentam, kako sam v si!

"Well, you see! Must I trumpet it to you until Judgement Day, how lonely you are?

Plevel si na njivi, za katerega se nihče ne briga!

You are a weed in a field, one that nobody bothers about!

Čisto tako, kot plevel, tudi pogineš!

And just like a weed, you will perish!

Dohodke imaš; lahko bi preživljal ženo in otroke. — Oženi se vendar!“

You have an income; you could support a wife and children. For goodness' sake, get married!"

Kar videl sem, da živi v veri, da je spregovoril najmodrejšo besedo pod solncem in pod zvezdami!

I could see that he firmly believed he had uttered the wisest words beneath the sun and stars!

Ta modrost pa me ni potolažila, ker je ženska le slaba tolažba možu, če je star osemintrideset let.

But this wisdom did not console me, for a woman is poor consolation indeed to a man who is thirty-eight years old.

Tedaj se mi je poželelo po gospe Heleni, katero ve tri itak dobro poznate.

Then I found myself longing for Mrs Helena, whom you three know quite well, after all.

Tiste dni — morda je še danes — je bila najkrasnejša ljubljanska gospa, a bila je — gospa Mica, ne nabiraj svojih ust! — moja prijateljica.

In those days—perhaps she still is today—she was the loveliest lady in Ljubljana, and she was—Mrs Mica, don't purse your lips!—my friend.

Kadar me je morila kaka skrb ali otožnost, sem se zatekel k tej svoji prijateljici, in vselej je njena materinska beseda razvedrila mojo dušo in čelo.

Whenever some worry or melancholy weighed upon me, I would turn to this friend of mine, and her motherly words never failed to brighten my soul and lift the gloom from my brow.

V mojih očeh je bila gospa Helena vzor ženske, katera se ni dotikala prahu tega sveta.

In my eyes, Mrs Helena was the ideal of a woman who had never soiled herself with the dust of this world.

Z njo skupaj sva čitala Prešerna in na marsikatero krasoto Prešernovih umotvorov me je opozorila ona.

She and I would read Prešeren together, and it was she who drew my attention to many a beautiful passage in his works.

Bila je čez vse mere idealna ženska: vsaj jaz sem bil prepričan o tem.

She was an ideal woman beyond all measure; at least, I was convinced of it.

Tudi s svojim možem — bil mi je součenec — je živela v resnično srečnem zakonu.

She also lived in a truly happy marriage with her husband, who had been my fellow student.

Zakonska sicer nista imela velikega premoženja, v obilju pa sta imela, kar sta za življenje potrebovala.

The couple did not possess great wealth, it is true, but they had in abundance everything they needed in life.

Dve deklici sta bili sad vzornega zakona.

Two little girls were the fruit of this exemplary marriage.

Starejšo je bila gospa Helena že omožila, in nikjer se ni opažalo, da bi se pri tem kaj trudila ali pa še celo posnemala sv.

Mrs Helena had already married off the elder daughter, and there was no sign that she had found the task difficult, much less that she had even imitated St.

Petra, ko mu je Gospod zaukazal, da naj še enkrat razpne svoje mreže.

Peter, when the Lord commanded him to cast his nets once more.

Mlajša je živela še v hiši.

The younger daughter still lived at home.

Nekoliko me je motilo, da so jo klicali Elviro.

It bothered me somewhat that they called her Elvira.

Ali že takrat je ta deklic nosil glavo, kakor jo nosijo ponosne in lepe ženske v španski Sevilji.

Even then, however, the girl held her head as proud and beautiful women do in Spanish Seville.

Samoobsebi se ume, da je bila vzorno odgojena, in lepota na njej se je že razvijala, tako da je snubač lahko živel v nadi, da se mu s tako nevesto razcvete bujna zakonska sreča.

It goes without saying that she had been brought up impeccably, and her beauty was already blossoming, so that any suitor could reasonably hope that, with such a bride, a flourishing happiness in marriage would be his.

Za svojo osebo sem malo občeval z gospico Elviro, ker tedaj niti osemnajstega leta ni bila dosegla.

For my part, I had little to do with Miss Elvira, since she had not yet reached her eighteenth year.

Ves dan je letala od učitelja do učitelja — učila se je nebroj modernih jezikov — in tudi po klavirju je trkala, kadar je le količkaj utegnila.

She spent the whole day rushing from one teacher to another—she was learning an astonishing number of modern languages—and she also practised the piano whenever she could find the slightest opportunity.

Bila je splošna sodba, da se bo, kakor sestra, lahko in dobro omožila.

It was generally agreed that, like her sister, she would have no difficulty making an excellent marriage.

Vsaj gospa Helena, ki mi je zaupavala največje tajnosti, mi ni nikdar kaj potožila, da bi jo v tem pogledu morile kake skrbi.

At any rate, Mrs Helena, who confided her deepest secrets to me, never once complained that she was troubled by any worries in this regard.

Gospa Helena me je, kakor vsikdar, preprijazno sprejela.

As always, Mrs Helena received me with the greatest kindness.

Brez ceremonij sem prisedel k njej ter takoj opazil, da je danes v razgovoru bolj počasna.

Without ceremony, I sat down beside her and immediately noticed that she was less forthcoming in conversation today.

Nekaj je pletla, a tuintam je počivala z belima rokama ter se zagledala v drevesa Lattermannovega drevoreda, na katerega se je nudil lep pogled iz okusnega stanovanja.

She was knitting something, but now and then she would rest her white hands and gaze at the trees of the Lattermann avenue, which could be seen beautifully from her tastefully furnished apartment.

Pazljivo in vestno me je poslušala, ko sem ji tožil o dolgočasnem svojem življenju in o osemintridesetth svojih letih.

She listened to me attentively and patiently as I lamented my dreary life and my thirty-eight years.

Ni mi odgovorila takoj, pač pa je rahlo zaklicala: „Elvira!“

She did not answer me immediately, but instead called softly: "Elvira!"

Hčerka je takoj, prav kakor da je čakala na klic, vstopila vsa pokorna in udana, vzor prave in poštene odgoje.

The daughter entered at once, just as though she had been waiting for the call, all obedience and devotion, a model of proper and respectable upbringing.

„Kaj želiš, mama?

"What would you like, Mother?

“ To, se ve, je vprašala po francosko. Kako okusno se je bila napravila ta zelenjava! Vse je okroglo postajalo na njej in beli predpasnik je lepe oblike mladega telesa še bolj povzdigoval. Mama jej je ukazala, da naj gre za pol ure na sprehod, a da, se ima potem zanesljivo in gotovo vrniti domu. Elvira je brez odloga odšla, in prepričan sem bil, da pride točno in gotovo zopet domu, kakor se ji je zapovedalo.

Of course, she asked in French. How tastefully this young woman had dressed! Her figure was becoming beautifully rounded in every respect, and the white apron further accentuated the lovely shape of her young body. Her mother instructed her to go for a half-hour walk, but to be sure to return home promptly afterwards. Elvira left without delay, and I was certain that she would return home punctually, exactly as she had been instructed.

„Kako to grmičevje rase, mi pa se staramo in življenje nam je v nadlego!

"How this shrubbery keeps growing, while we grow old and life becomes a burden to us!

“ Po teh besedah nisem mogel zadržati globokega vzdiha. Gospa Helena me je skoraj pol ure tolažila ter mi dokazovala, da pri meni o starosti še ne more biti govora. Končno pa se je zagledala v strop in je nekaj premišljevala.

" At these words I could not suppress a deep sigh. Mrs Helena spent nearly half an hour consoling me and assuring me that there could be no question of old age in my case just yet. At last, however, she gazed up at the ceiling and fell into thought.

„Koliko časa, gospod doktor že zahajate v našo hišo?

"How long have you been visiting our home, Doctor?

“ me je vprašala naposled z nekako resnostjo.

" she asked me at last, with a certain seriousness.

„Šest let, in hvaležen sem Bogu za vsak trenutek, katerega sem smel preživeti v vaši družbi, gospa Helena!“

"Six years, and I thank God for every moment I have been privileged to spend in your company, Mrs Helena!"

„To je fraza!

"That is a mere platitude!

“ je odgovorila hladno.

" she replied coldly.

„Čemu fraza?“

"Why a platitude?"

„Drugega biti ne more!

"It can be nothing else!

“ me je zavrnila odločno. „Dokler sem bila sama, se je dalo to še urediti; sedaj pa, ko je Elvira dorasla, ni moči več krotiti hudobnih jezikov. Saj me umejete, gospod doktor?“

" she retorted firmly. "While I was alone, this could still be managed; but now that Elvira has grown up, there is no way to silence malicious tongues any longer. You understand me, surely, Doctor?"

„Čutim se vendar starega!

"But I feel old!

“ Zavrnila me je takoj: „Hudobni jeziki tega ne čutijo!“

" she immediately countered. "Malicious tongues do not feel that way!"

Skoraj zaihtel sem: „Kaj mi je početi?

I was almost in tears. "What am I to do?

Ali naj ne prihajam več v vašo hišo?

Am I no longer to visit your home?

Kako naj živim?“

How am I to live?"

Čutil sem se v resnici nesrečnega.

I truly felt wretched.

Gospe Heleni pa se je razširil čaroben smehljaj po licu in šepnila je: „Se da tudi drugače urediti.“

But a magical smile spread across Mrs Helena's face, and she whispered: "There is another way this can be arranged."

Ko me je nekaj časa pomenljivo gledala, je še dostavila: „Opraviti imam v mestu.

After gazing at me meaningfully for a while, she added: "I have some errands to run in town.

Moj mož ima vsak hip priti; počakajte ga in lahko z nami večerjate.“

My husband will be arriving at any moment; wait for him, and you can have dinner with us."

Izginila je in me prepustila občutkom, ki so se kar usuli name.

She disappeared, leaving me to the feelings that came rushing over me.

Kaj mi je početi?

What was I to do?

Ali mi je pokazala vrata?

Had she shown me the door?

Njena beseda, da se da stvar tudi drugače urediti, mi ni hotela iz spomina.

Her words, that the matter could also be arranged another way, would not leave my mind.

Ali kako?

But how?

Klink!

Clink!

Klink!

Clink!

Kakor bi me zadela strela, tako me je zadel ta „klink!

This "clink!" struck me as though I had been hit by lightning.

klink!

clink!

“ Elvirica se je točno vrnila domu in sedaj je v belem predpasniku, ki je še bolj uveljavljal njene zaokrožene črte, igrala na klavir. V hipu se mi je odprl pogled na Galilejsko jezero — morda je bilo tudi kako drugo, ker nisem učenjak sv. pisma — in videl sem sv. Petra, ko je s tovariši privlekel prazne mreže k svojemu Gospodu. In Gospod je ukazal: „Vrzite mreže še enkrat!“

" Little Elvira had returned home punctually and was now playing the piano in her white apron, which further accentuated her rounded figure. In an instant, a vision of the Sea of Galilee opened before my eyes—though perhaps it was some other lake, for I am no scholar of Holy Scripture—and I saw St Peter dragging his empty nets ashore with his companions and bringing them to his Lord. And the Lord commanded: "Cast your nets once more!"

Klink!

Clink!

Klink!

Clink!

Pokril sem glavo in bliskoma sem stal z znojem oblit na ulici.

I covered my head, and in a flash I found myself standing in the street, drenched in sweat.

Tam pa sem padel v roke svojemu zdravniku, ki z bolniki ni bil nikdar ljubezniv.

There I fell into the hands of my doctor, who had never been particularly gentle with his patients.

„Kaj se potikaš po tlaku?

"Why are you wandering about the streets?

“ je zakričal osorno, in to z obrazom, ki je podoben kozolcu, če ga prevrne burja po zimi.

" he shouted gruffly, his face looking like a hayrack overturned by a winter gale.

„Bolan sem!“

"I am ill!"

„Vraga si bolan!

"The devil you are ill!

Delaš, če se tisto pravdno pisarjenje sploh delo imenovati more, delaš kot navit avtomat!

You work—if that legal scribbling of yours can even be called work—like a wound-up machine!

Misliš malo, ješ pa veliko, kot prešiček pri koritu!

You do little thinking and plenty of eating, like a little pig at its trough!

Polenaril si telo, polenaril si dušo, in rediš se, kakor da je mast glavni namen tolstega tvojega življenja!

You have made your body lazy and your soul lazy, and you are growing fat as though getting fatter were the chief purpose of your bloated existence!

Poslušaj moj svet:

Take my advice:

Sedaj ko se otava kosi, odrini v kako pogorje!

Now, while the aftermath grass is being mown, set off for some mountain country!

Lazi po skalah!

Clamber over the rocks!

Pridruži se koscem!

Join the haymakers!

Hodi, hodi in delaj!

Walk, walk, and work!

Potem kmalu sprevidiš, da je življenje dar božji in da se zgolj le tepci dolgočasijo v njem!

Then you will soon realise that life is a gift from God, and that only fools find it boring!"

“ Nato je odrinil. Meni se je tedaj prikazalo pred pogledom zamazano pismo in njega velike črke, ki so bile videti, kakor po senožeti razmetan plot. Sestra moje matere je bila omožena na Jelovem brdu, visoko v gričih, in pismo mi je pisal njen sin Boštjan Presečnik, ki je bil vsikdar ponosen na sorodstvo, ki je naju vezalo. Tiste polomljene, in razmetane črke so mi pripovedovale, da je Boštjan slabe volje, ker se za sorodstvo premalo brigam: „Več kot pet let te ni bilo pri nas. Svoji ljudje morajo s sabo držati. Tudi Barba že težko čaka. In Meta se je razrastla, da jo komaj spoznaš.“ Barba, rojena Muhova iz Jarčjega sela, je bila žena Boštjanova, Meta pa njegova hči. Ta se je „razrastla“. No! No!

" Then he went on his way. At that moment, a dirty letter appeared before my eyes, with large letters that looked like a fence scattered across a hayfield. My mother's sister had married and settled at Jelovo Brdo, high up in the hills, and the letter had been written to me by her son, Boštjan Presečnik, who had always been proud of the family ties that bound us together. Those broken, scattered letters told me that Boštjan was displeased because I took too little interest in my relatives: "You haven't been to see us for more than five years. Family ought to stick together. Barba is already longing to see you, too. And Meta has grown so much that you would hardly recognise her." Barba, née Muha, from the village of Jarčje Selo, was Boštjan's wife, while Meta was his daughter. She had "grown". Well! Well!